Call Clinton but tell Tracy to stay home...

I need girly intervention.
I've been saying this for a really long time now. I can't do hair or make up. Frankly I'm lucky I can dress myself each morning.

Mind you, being poor and having to stretch two pairs of pants and three shirts in heavy rotation over a six month period makes things extremely challenging, but I'd still like to be able to dress up my regular clothes in a way that doesn't make me look like a walking "Goodwill" ad.

I'd love to go on one of those 'makover' shows but the hosts always try to dress you in their image. Which is nice and put together and all, but usually the fabrics are starchy, usually not long enough, NOT made of fabrics that breath and dry-clean only. A big girl on a budget cannot honestly be expected to uphold those fashion standards for long, sorry Clinton but let's be real.... And then you're going to put me in heels?! I don't think so..

No what I need is someone to come over and sit me down in front of the mirror and show me what my "colors" are. While I know how to apply makeup, I don't know what kind to use, what colors work best and how to properly apply everything. I can get by for a one night event but I'd like to be able to get dolled up on a regular basis. And hair? Oh ladies I am in need of a hairy-god-mother (you heard that right).

Here's the extent of what I can do with my hair:
Comb; blow-dry; straighten; pony tail; pigtails; braided pigtails; bun; messy bun; double bun (pigtails in a bun); half pony; and once in a blue moon if my hair feels like behaving, side sweep into tiny clip but that's it. None of this looks together or professional or even really consistent from day to day, but it's all I've got.
I have watched some YouTube instructional videos but I can't really practice or try any of them as I'm pretty sure all of the makeup these gals use cost more then 1 months salary AND I'm positive Joe would not be a fan of me bringing his beloved laptop (lappy to myself) into our bathroom as it only has the toilet tank to use as counter-space.

So what's a gal to do? Mind you, a gal on a serious budget?... Anyone know of a really awesome Dollar Store that just so happens to cater to beauty products, clothing accessories and haircare? :/